Held

Held is an evening dedicated to women from all walks of life, gathering together with one thing in common they have experienced a loss of an infant, pregnancy, or had miscarriage. October 15th is the day where 1 in 4 women set aside time to remember their babies. The held service provides a space for women to find a place of peace in the midst of their grief. I attended my very first held service in 2017 (10 years after my first loss) and it changed my life forever. I learned that so many women suffer silently. So when my husband was relocated to another city I knew that I needed to carry on this service even if I was miles away from where it started. Our very first held event was so healing and it opened my eyes to the need in every city all over this world. So many women grieve alone and suffer silently, this evening creates a space where we can find community. In this blog I want to share the written record from our very first HELD Orlando 2018 event. This was the first time in the 11 years of grieving that I had shared my story publicly. My hope in sharing was to let all of you who endured a loss know three things:

1. This is not your final chapter

2. You are not alone. (Including your spouse) 

3. Your pain could bring solace to another heart.

My Story (held 2018)

 What does it mean to Remember? To be able to bring to one's mind an awareness of (someone or something that one has seen, known, or experienced in the past. 

When we take the time to remember, we take the time to say I see you, I know you, we have history together. One of the things that I love about this definition is that there no qualifying time frame.  For those of us who carried a child know that from the moment you saw that plus sign or the double pink lines you started dreaming , and planning , the only thing on your mind was that baby.  No matter what happened you were always going to remember that baby.  So tonight as we share our story in this room I want you to share from a place of remembrance.  I’ll start my name is Nanette and I am a mother of six, three angel babies and three living children. These little lives NO MATTER THE TIME FRAME have made such a big impact on our hearts and they deserve to be honored tonight.  

• Now before I share my story I wanted to take the time to thank all the women who have came along side of me in putting this entire event together.  With out you this would have still been written in my journal some where. But because of this wonderful community who has rallied with me……you’ve made all of this possible. 

• Last year around this time I had the privilege to participate in the first held service back in my hometown of Rochester NY.  I did not know what to expect from that evening. To be quite honest I was scared.  Scared of what kind of emotions would be invoked what would come to the fore front of my mind while we were remembering our babies these thoughts petrified me. Can i tell you it was an evening filled with so much HOPE!!!  I was surrounded by women who had also experienced a loss that week, some that 40 years ago.  It just felt safe and sparked a journey of community for me.  I wanted those around me who were grieving to know that they are not alone and that together we can find hope.  And thats why we are here tonight.  

MY STORY, that life changing moment, a great loss, the moment I thought would undo me.  I still remember the person I was before that day and in someways there were parts of me that I never saw again after that …it just changed me.  If any of you are avid readers you will understand that feeling of when you are reading a book and you look at the amount of pages that are left, against all the questions you have and you think to your self there is no way that all of my questions can be answered, I am not going to have a resolve by the time I reach the back cover.                        

This is my sentiment about death, in fact when we are dealing with the frailty of life and death the questions always outweigh the answers, the uncertainty of it all leaves us outside of ourselves.   Innocent, naive Nanette truly believed that if she ever had to face death she would not survive it.  But I am here to tell you that I did and it was not my final chapter.

In 2007 my husband and I found out we were expecting and my pregnancy began like many pregnancies, the excitement of the unknown and the fear of “Uhm?, can I really do this”.  I had some concerns throughout out my pregnancy like every other mom.  And as I grew so did my concerns but towards the end my once very active little guy slowed down,  a lot!  We called made appts but they sent home with the reassurance that all of this was very normal. 

 One of our last drs appts ended with an ultrasound and three simple words “I’m so sorry.” Here we were...A young married couple who celebrated their second wedding anniversary just the week before; we sat in disbelief and wept.  So many questions? what in the world just happened?! what do we do now?  Before our loss I’ve always wondered why bad things happened to good people.  Now here we were staring into the face of a very bad thing, our boy was Gone!  Some of you have you have faced this or you walked some one you love through this,  your loss like mine was devastating, but its not your final chapter.

This news came at us fast and doctors were in in out of the room.  It was like an out of body experience I could see us sitting in that room, broken.  I could hear my husband informing our family members through tears.  I could share with you all how very tragic this all was but today I wanted to share with you the glimmers of hope we found each step of the way. 

Our first glimmer was our NP, we shared many conversations over the course of my pregnancy she was always encouraging me in my pregnancy and in my faith. As we were leaving the office this same Nurse practitioner found my husband and I and told us we needed to prepare both mentally and spiritually so she asked us if we could go somewhere to do that.  

Our church was mins from the drs office so she took us there.  We were met by our pastors and we were held and prayed for for hours before we felt ok enough to go to the hospital and begin the induction process.    

Second glimmer was when leaving the church we were met by our family members who then took us to the hospital so we could meet our baby boy. They stay bed side writing Scriptures on pieces of paper and tapping them to the walls of the hospital room.  When ever I was overcome with fear and pain and begin to cry my brother in law would break out the guitar and begin to sing worship to God and sing songs of hope.  From the time I heard the words I’m sorry I went from shattered to seeing moments of faith building inside of me.  

It just was not my pain it was my husbands pain, and he is literally my knight in shining armor. That day this protector of mine could not protect me, we were both wounded and we both needed protecting. Although we were the first ones in our immediate family to experience this kind of loss they surrounded us and never left us alone.  They were Gods voice in the room showing us that we were not alone.  After many hours of pain, intense labor and awful pain meds I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy.  When he entered this world he was already gone but the celebration that filled the room was one that you dream about telling your kids every night before bed. He was finally here and I stared into his beautiful face wishing his little eyes would look up at mine.  Everyone in the room greeted him with hugs and kisses. We held him, we loved on him, we cried over him, and we named him Judah Gabriel: which means Praise, God is my strength! 

The third glimmer of hope was the day we left the hospital, as we were getting ready to leave a nurse told me this is not the way its supposed to happen.  She told me “You are going to walk out next to women who have given birth; mothers who are going home with their babies”. She said “You keep your chin up because this is not the end; you will be back, you will have more children”. And she was right I did.  I was back the following year and gave birth to the most fiery little red head my princess, my rainbow baby. And soon after I had a very impatient 5 pound baby who made his entrance 6 weeks before he was scheduled.  And lastly following two miscarriage’s I had the most amazing little brunette who melts my heart every time he refers to himself in third person. 

When people ask me how I made it his far or how can I talk about such a painful moment in my life. The truth is I don’t have a 3 step answer for you, all I can tell you is that this picture (below) was my anchor in the storm,  this is how my husband and I walked through the valley of death. We made it through because we had each other.  Truth is we need each other, you are not alone, you were never meant to walk this out alone.  I share my story because Our pain can be the medicine someone else needs.   We can help other find hope in the midst of our grief.  We can find life in community.    

“This year due to COVID-19 we are not able to meet in person but if you would like to join us in lighting a candle for your baby we will be lighting candles at 7pm local time on October 15th 2020. tag #heldrochester or #heldorlando and let us know that you are here. We are here for you. ”

When do you start? Now!

Like many of you I started this year with a pen and paper in hand ready to plan for the “BEST YEAR EVER”. What goals will I reach? which things will I cut out of my life (and diet)? and most importantly when will I start? 

Have you heard the phrase "no better time than the present"? Maybe at church, school, or motivational speakers.  This phrase was first recorded in 1562 and it still holds its weight in 2020 gracing IG and FB feeds everywhere. But how do we take a phrase like that and put it into action? Most of us start with a list #1. Apply for our dream job #2. More disciplined healthy lifestyle #3. Finally paint that guest bathroom. Whatever it is, one thing is for sure it will require work. In fact, what usually stands in our way is that our desire doesn’t always match our dedication.

If you are anything like me you might lay in bed at the end of the day thinking about that last load of laundry that you didn’t fold and put away, then all of a sudden unfolded laundry turns into “I suck at life?!” (I know I am a bit dramatic, bear with me) we tie a lot of our success in life to our daily accomplishments.  And if you have an off day you can get pretty discouraged.  But let me encourage you my friend, you are not alone!  We all have off days it’s part of the journey. When we hear phrases like “we are all allotted the same 24 hours in a day as…(actor, designer, blogger)” it can be daunting. Yes, how we use our 24hrs does determine where we are going but for a second let’s not compare ourselves to others. Instead lets use this gift of seeing their success to figure out just how they did it. My reason for writing is not to reprimand but rather to reignite a passion or fan a dimly lit flame.

Today as I sit at my kitchen table/office/the new lunch spot ( thank you COVID-19), I think about all that has changed in the last four months, even the last five years. Due to the recent events of COVID-19 we’ve ventured from distance learning to complete virtual schooling. When I think about this rare opportunity I’ve been given to provide a safe space for my children to continue learning while we are in the midst of a state mandated quarantine, I am grateful. In fact i’m running my photography business along with freelance graphic work/creative consulting contracts all while being a SAHM. This was not always the case, just 6 years ago I was working as a medical secretary. I enjoyed helping patients, and gave it my best working for some talented health professionals. While at work I missed my children terribly, in the back of my head I would dream up scenarios where I get to be home with my kiddos and still financially contribute to my household.  The dreaming often frustrated more than it inspired me. Riddled with questions like, why do my goals outweigh my accomplishments? 7 years felt like a long time to dream without seeing any fruit. I want to share with you what I did during this season of waiting.

Faith being such an important part of my life, often I would seek answers in scriptures like “The steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord.” (psalms 37:23) while that was very encouraging I was looking for a five step plan (any enneagram 6’s out there?). I needed the details, who, what, where, when, why and most importantly how? Dreaming was always the easy part; it's when you start to work out those details where you begin to find the obstacles.  Another reason why I am writing to you today, encouraging you to not lose hope! Dreaming my friends requires faith and bravery, Faith to plan and bravery to start. 

Which brings me back to the scripture in psalms 37:23 “The steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord.”, the word that stood out was “steps”. Steps is an action word and requires just that, action. This means that you should start moving even when you don’t have all the details in order.  While I was dropping kids off at daycare and going to work I was still preparing. Some actions I took that you can also take while you're in your waiting season are:

1. Planning: Deciding which plan of action best fits your life style and figuring out how you will implement it.

2. Learning: In this age of information we are a few you tube videos away form mastering so many skills.

3. Praying: Do not forsake the small and steady moments in prayer. We have a God who cares about every detail.

4. Write it all down: Documenting is such an important part of the journey. This was one of the ways I combatted discouragement. Looking back and reminding yourself just how far you have come helps you keep your eyes on the prize.  

We often confuse success with the place of arrival and not the process in which it takes to get there. Most people don’t embrace their failures, they just quit.  Some take for granted these slow seasons in life. Looking back I realized those moments gave me the time to catch my breath, improve my skill and perfect my gifts.  Friends, these small and steady steps are important ones, because of the promise that they are ordered of the Lord. All of those years in the medical field I was still planning, learning, and praying and it brought me here.

The simplicity and wonder of it all is that dreams don’t need a perfected plan, just a plan.  So you don’t have to wait, you can start now!  Take out those planners, notebooks, post-it notes and start taking steps.  Planning so when the right opportunity comes along or when this quarantine is lifted, you will be ready. Don’t waste the pain and disappointments of life’s fleeting moments. They are not missed opportunities, they're just practice. Use these experiences, gain inspiration, and use it to push you in the right direction. Friend, let today be the start of something beautiful.

Nanette